swarm_of_sound

Currently writing during a downtime at work (cash registers at the sub place I work in run off of PCs).

Some updates:

1)  Not moving to Las Vegas anymore.  The person whom I was moving in with stopped talking to me for, as far as I can tell, absolutely no reason.
2)  Most of the people I know I feel like I can no longer trust.  Too much talking behind people's backs and duplicity.  I'm growing very tired of this nonsense.
3)  I've enrolled in the Pittsburgh School of Massage Therapy.  Within half a  year I'll be making at least $25-30 an hour to start, doing something I do all the time for free anyway.  :)

I should have the course material for the National Association of Sports Medicine (NASM) Personal Trainer Certification within a week.  I hope to be able to take the exam for this by September or October and start training (another $20+/hour starting job).  Between  massage and PT, I can get my life back and actually save up to go back to school - no more living paycheck to paycheck and scraping by with selling plasma and doing studies...  I can't wait; but I have to.  Patience..

So, things are looking up in that department.  By next year I will have the beginnings of a career laid out doing two things I actually love doing.   Not too bad.  It's going to be a rough road to get there, though, financially and emotionally.

I'm still reeling from all of the relationship issues I've had this year, and it's definitely taken a toll on me.  I've lost a lot of my confidence and drive to pursue dating, and honestly feel I'd be better off riding solo for a while, but... I still feel pretty lonely.   The worst part of it is, I find myself thinking about Amy while laying awake at night.  It's very aggravating.

I really wish I could just... turn off my desire for companionship (and insatiable libido -_-).

Another spot of good news:  I'm getting pretty ripped.  The gym has been good to me.  I think I'm going to start doing Yoga again soon.  It's going to be very difficult to afford it, but it'll definitely be worth it - want to lose another 4% body fat before the summer is over, and I need an outlet.  The gym is too... competative? (with myself)   With yoga, I could just let go and not worry about things for an hour.   Then again, that's really the point of it.  Release.  Relaxation.  I need both right now.

Well, I'd better get working again.

<3
 

Holy crap, not having the internet sucks.

Been worn out lately, what with everything going on.  I already need the weekend to rest up, but I have to fly out to Phoenix.  I hate flying... And I'll be traveling from 11:40am till 11:00pm on Monday.  Mmmm.

Time is running out on this computer.  GARRRRGGLEBLARGLE.


I'm trying to get a job at the post office.  They pay $21/hour to start.

Then I can afford to live again.

 

Would be nice.

Man, this week has been a whirlwind.

I woke up Monday with a terrible fever, and then walked into the dissolution of my brief relationship with Kimberly.   It was all for the better, really, though a part of me is still bitter on the WHY and HOW of it.  Oh well.  Since, I've managed to cut off pretty much all attachment.  This is not something I've ever really been able to accomplish, so I'm rather pleased with myself.  Finally starting to get over my codependency shit, maybe?  We'll see.

Felt a LOT better by Wednesday and went back to the gym for the first time in a while - went pretty well.  Unfortunately, I don't think I was 100% recovered, and the next day I had fever again... ugh.  Gonna have to hold off until MONDAY.  >.<  I should be finishing up with my program then, but now I've had to set it back a week or two on TOP of waiting.  Oh well.  The only person I'm trying to beat is the guy I was last week, and I think I'm still managing that.

I don't have the internet anymore, and I haven't had the energy to go out and interact with people (blaming the fever on top of all the other running around I do in a week), so I've been freakin' boooored at home lately, though Resident Evil 5 has been fairly amusing.  Sigh.  I just want to lift or play football or go swimming with my buddies or something, but I need to rest or it's going to take longer to shrug this off.

Yesterday my Grandfather passed away.  This was a blessing, really, as he had been in excruciating pain since January.  Doesn't really make it much easier - he was a huge part of  my life.  Yet.. I find it difficult to "grieve".  He is dead, and nothing can change that.  Do I crash my life into a wall and commence the wailing and gnashing of teeth?  He wouldn't want that.   Nope.

I miss him terribly.


Sigh.


So I have $35 to my name until Tuesday night.  This is... bad.   I canceled a lot of my expenses and some of them went through anyway - WTF?   I'm going to now attempt to sell pretty much everything I own.  And probably start looking for subletters.

Not really enjoying my digs as much as I thought I would.  It's not nearly as bad as my last place, I'll give it that, but it's more of the same.  A bunch of lazy people content to use my TV and XBox while ignoring cleaning up after themselves so that I'm forced to do their dishes while they use my shit.   Really pisses me off.

Pittsburgh as a whole has been wearing me down the past few years.  I almost moved at the beginning of the year, but there were too many wildcard factors involved with that.  Now, I have ANOTHER person who wants me to move in with them... out west, in Las Vegas.  And she said she'd cook for me!

A problem here is that I don't feel that I have anyone that I can depend on here - not completely.  I'm not sure why I feel so detached, but... most people blow me off or just insult me, and I'm getting tired of it.  There is this fundamental disconnect.  It may not change with location, but I think a change of place might help.  Plus she said she'd watch out for me.

I dunno, Pittsburgh.  I dunno.

My job sucks. Please give me a new one. Thanks!


Your pal,
Aaron

---

Everything else is pretty great.

I have an amazing girlfriend.

My body recomposition is coming along nicely.

I wish I had more time to see my friends. I should be at AVA right now, but I am way too freakin' tired and I'm going to bed soon. I spent 12 hours doing crap today -_- Pretty normal lately. Work - > Job apps - > Laundry - > Grocery Shopping.

Tomorrow isn't going to be any better. Though I'll be getting screened for a study. Yay money! SPEAKING OF MONEY: I NEED TO FIND A PLACE THAT BUYS PLASMA.

*passes out*

Mrrr... I miss Kimberly.

Well, been a bit crazy these past few weeks.

Too much is going on. This is awesome and stressful as hell - interested dichotomy! (Editors note: Leaving typo as is. I like "interested dichotomoty" as a phrase. o.O)

My workouts are coming along nicely.

I'll be doing 195 lbs. on squats tomorrow (shit is heavy), 135 lbs. on bench press and 240 lbs. on deadlift (woooot!) Starting to have to limit my gains on some - I've been putting on 10 or more lbs. between workouts, which is quite a bit, and I'm beginning to stall out on this. Time to let the ego go and NOT hurt myself. *calms himself* Patience... patiiiiience....

Speaking of patience, where the fuck is May. It's felt like 5 months since Carnival, even though I'm preeeetty sure it was 2 weeks ago to this day. *sigh* Yeah, I have problems. Been talking to this very lovely girl and, well, yeah. I have a tendency to get ahead of myself when it comes to these things. I'm trying REALLY hard not to do that right now. I think I'm succeeding slightly. It helps that she goes to school 1.5 hours away, and I lack transportation, but yeah... Webcam is the only thing keeping me sane about it at this point. After May 11th I'll be able to see her again - and it's May tomorrooow. Hot Chip said it right. April is... the cruelest month.. I know that's some famous quote or some shit, but they made it awesome.

But yeah. I like her a lot. I have a good feeling about this. Some drama stuff involving ancillary people to work through, but... I'm not really worried about it anymore.

I feel like I'm finally getting my shit together. The pieces are falling into place. I may be getting a job at my gym soon. It's a slight possibility, but I remain hopefuly without riding on that hope too much. I think. Either way, my financial situation is a bit better all of a sudden and I might be able to start saving up for my NASM Certification (to become a personal trainer). EXCITED.

-----



"this photo is so erotic that i am sweating"

-----
Hung out with Elliot's mom, Teresa, for a bit. She let me do laundry at her house and I tried to fix her computer issues. We watched The Office and 30 Rock and ate Thai food. It was pretty great. <3 you Mother Teresa.

Kinda crazy party last night.

Glad I actually remember all of it, considering I woke up still drunk. Oy vey.

I wake up today with a new... ah... game plan.

It's time to stop bitching and start making things happen.

Launching Aaron 2.0.

I sort of dipped into an indescribably bad place tonight.   Not going to get into why.    Ushering drunken crying people home certainly did not help.


My heart wants to burst.  I want to tear something apart with my hands.


The strange thing is that I'm barely feeling anything right now.  It's just a pressure in me.


I really don't know what happened.   I was doing fine the past couple of weeks.

Hoo boy.

Good and bad.

Been working out a lot pretty regularly, and it feels great. I'm gaining definition and feeling stronger, plus it's, well, sorta like a drug - after a good lifting session your body is flooded with endorphins and testosterone and it's like, 'Woot!' Bad part is, my hips are getting too tight (I'm not stretching enough) and now I have sciatica problems in my left leg/lower back that are beginning to result in me hobbling around like an old man.

I've managed to ruin the trust between myself and my friend Ashley through something I said a couple of months ago. It was well intentioned and I honestly, at the time, didn't think it would become a big deal. Goes to show that I'm definitely NOT the brightest bulb in the box. I'm.. sad, to say the least. It's hard letting down the people you love.

On a happier note, this past weekend was the best one I've had in about as long as I can remember. Carnival was here and Spring was in the air! My friend Kim came to stay for the festivities.. and man, it was magical. *sigh* I am very fond of this girl.

But, of course, me being who I am, I cannot take a wonderful weekend and not turn it into a source of worry. The whole situation is rather complicated, and I am taken to thinking about things too much. Honestly, though, I've been feeling a lot better about everything lately (with exception to losing Ashe's trust).

At any rate, today will be a good day. Going out dancing with Giancarlo, maybe karaoke before than, and our friend Dan and some other people might come. I have to.. talk to him about some stuff. Oy vey.

Yeap. Right now, my head is spinning around. Here's hoping it lands on Penny and not the good Doctor.

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world's finally growing wise
And it's plain to see
Rapture inside of me
Is on the rise..

Well, life's been... a lot different since last I wrote in this thing.

I've moved. Twice. My new roommates feel more like siblings that I'm rather fond of. I have a new job, which is... ok. They don't give me enough hours.

Speaking of which, I'm rather broke. About to start selling my body and associated fluids to science, or something.

Seriously, I might have to sell one of my guitars or something. I never really play them anymore, but... Euh. I -am- always chastising myself for being tied to material possessions :-P

Started weight lifting. I love it. I feel strong. I'm starting to LOOK strong. I've known for a long time that good health is foundational to happiness. It's been too long since I've seriously pursued that. Also, I have some idea of what I want to do with myself. I'm going to look into how to become a personal trainer.. and then do that. :D Whether or not it's what I do for the rest of my life, it will allow me to make more than $7.25, 30 hours a week (if I'm lucky apparently), which is definitely saying something.

------

I've been making a lot of new friends lately. I'm a pretty big fan of them, gotta say. *waves to Kim*

Heh.. and apparently I'm starting to make a career out of thinking too much about people who don't think of me in the same way. Le sigh.

All in all, life is good. Things are a little tight right now, and I need to get my head out of the clouds, but other than that.. :)

I've restarted writing this journal entry a number of times. I really feel like I have to say something, but I have no idea to say.

Things are looking on the up and up, but I still have my worries. Still no call back from the various jobs I've applied to, which is getting a bit disheartening. Anyone know of a place that's hiring? Going to hit up Giant Eagle, start from there and do a spree. Sigh. Just finished my resume. Not really anything to look at, but it's better than nothing!

Really, really, really need this to happen soon though. Running out of money, need to get a new apartment, no good...

On the plus side:

I've been pretty happy lately, job/living situation issues aside. I'm slowly learning to stop worrying about EVERYTHING and just... go with the flow. Last year I spent the majority of my time sitting in my apartment being miserable. I become a hermit, ignoring my friends and loved ones and... ugh, it wsa just terrible. I started to see it happening again this year, and I said "Fuck that shit."

This will be my 11th day in a row going out and doing things with friends, and I love it. I've reconnected with my friends, met a lot of new people and even reforged an old friendship (sup Alex?) and turned old acquaintences into new friends. Yay friends.

I also started seeing someone (I think?) It's very new and complicated, so I'm not really going to talk about it all too much until we figure out what's going on. It suffices to say that I am very happy. Just need to keep myself from being a spaz and all will be good.

Excuse the following hyperbole - this is mostly a cathartic rant, meant as a release for myself and entertainment for others:

I'm not sure what happened, but something has died inside me.

Once upon a time, I used to believe (as in have faith) in the power inside of people. Most people were good, and those that weren't had simply lost their way. I believed that some concept of God lived inside of everyone; God was not some ever-watching, omniscient paternal force, but the joy and happiness of living. I did Yoga almost every day. I meditated. I could feel it. To me, God was merely the happiness that comes with both accepting yourself and knowing and striving to be better than yourself. -I- was God, as are you. And that was so much. Before I was only able to feel a fear of God in guilt. It was very interesting, being able to do this, feel this for the first time in my life.

And then, all of a sudden, it was gone. And I have no idea why. This happened early-ish last year. I can cite some things that happened. Seasonal depression on top of opening myself up to some emotional pain that I couldn't deal with. Where was God then? Where was -I-?

I'm still asking that.

I look inside and I see nothing of God, but I remember. I look into other people and I no longer see that honesty that I wanted to feel and project. All I can see are lies and manipulation.

I've heard "Nice guys finish last" so many times in the past month, I feel like I've been indoctrinated.

Would you still care if I had treated you like shit? If I hadn't told you what you meant to me? Kept you "on edge". Maybe been someone you can "reform"? Is the truth of me so repugnant that I will not receive a single phone call, from anyone I know save one person (my own personal savior, really) for weeks unless it's in response to my own? If I'm lucky.

I realize I over-generalize here, but only slightly.

So what mask do I cultivate? What lies do people want me to tell them? The suave appreciator of all things fine and 'interesting'? The witty wiseguy, always ready with a quip tailor-made to make you laugh? The cocksure ass that puts just enough edge on a situation to make your night interesting? The real me is too quiet. Too emotional. Feels too much. Cares too much. I'm creepy and overbearing. I actually -want- to help you with your problems, want to love you and make all the monsters go away. But people want their monsters. They need them. I understand this.

So. Do you want to see a monster in me?

---------------------------------------------------

I saw God die, but if I am God and God is me then where does that leave Aaron? Dead inside, a hollow automation ready to dance to societies conventions? I've already started putting on the strings - the chains my brother laments. Though... once you start to mortgage off your soul, can you stop? Something screams at me from deep inside. It does not want to dance. It will not accept this. After all the self-loathing and heartbreak and hating the world and its cold machinations, I still yearn for some ideal. I still WANT to be the nice quiet guy in the corner.

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's not hopeless. I haven't given up entirely.. it's like Mulder always says, "I WANT to believe." Maybe God isn't dead. Ah there we go, feeling Hopeful again... and we know where that leads. But I'm not very fond of the alternatives.

This raises the question: How do you resuscitate God?

I want to have faith again. My faith lay less in the Heavens than in the goodness inside of others. Inside of myself. I need to trust that someday, someone will appreciate that. I need to learn to accept that that may not happen. I need to understand WHY I can't talk to people and learn WHAT I can do about it within the limits of who I really am.

Yes, I have hope. But maybe it's not always a bad thing. Maybe it's the start of a new beginning. I don't know.

But I'll roll with it for now.

ॐ मणि पद्मे हूँ

The few nights these past few weeks where I can drink myself into near oblivion have been a godsend - I've been able to sleep.    For every other...

Starting to get annoying.   Before I would have just immersed myself into a digital lobotomy until I turned into a zombie and passed out.  But... trying for something different again.   And now I don't know what to do with myself.    The past few weeks I've been able to talk to Amy into the wee hours of the morning.

So far any attempt to regulate a sleep schedule has failed.  Unfortunately, alcohol seems to take care of that.   Not letting that be an option.  Not again.   I'm hoping to restart Yoga.  Maybe start doing that 5 times a day again.

http://www.pittsburgh-kendo.com/

This might help, too.  

Also, job.  I need a job.  Classifieds yield nothing.  Doesn't help that I have no skills.  Need to go around filling out applications again.  I -HATE- that.  SO MUCH. 

Up too late, hungry again.  PB&J time?  Trying to eat less, but it's starting to gnaw so.

Watching Dead Like Me with Dylan.  Love this show, but really... I just want to sleep.

Some things will never change
You just stand there looking backwards half unconscious from the pain
It may seem rearranged
In the backwater swirling there is something that will never change

Past few weeks have been kinda shitty, not gonna lie.

Thought I had a good thing going with Amy, but apparently I was just lying to myself. Happens I guess.

Not too worried about it anymore, though. Once the axe falls, you can let start to let go, and I have. A few pangs of longing brought up by particularly fond memories every now and then, but I've definitely handleded these sort of things far worse in the past.

So where to go from here? Not exactly sure. I wrote last month about how I need to change myself, and it's still true.

I'm thinking...

1. Go get another shitty job
   
2. Save up some money


3. Get in shape
   
4. ???
   
5. Profit
   

Something along that order.

I want to be more in touch with my friends. And myself.

I gotta look at this as a fresh start.


"So keep your head up, Billy-buddy.."

By the way: Ashley, you are amazing. Thank you for putting up with my shit through all this ^_^

Another day of sitting around. Just sort of... waiting to go, now.

I'd like to go out, but I need to be a bit more frugal than I have been, especially now. (ESPECIALLY since I think I'm getting new glasses - anyone recommend a place I can get some frames/lenses for < $100?)

Meh. S'what I get for fiscal irresponsibility the past few years.

Trying to spend the time bettering myself, mainly with my guitar. I find it difficult to teach myself, as I really have little idea what I'm doing. There's a lot of information (of sometimes very different opinions) about what I should be practicing, but I worry myself over.. am I practicing correctly, for me? Am I even learning something useful right now? What's the next step I should take? It all gets a little overwhelming, especially when you're already pretty fuckin scatterbrained.

One approach I'm going to try is to force myself to focus on learning only 2-3 songs. And I will only play these songs until I can play them acceptably, without the accompanying tab as a guide, without fucking up every time. Settled on..

• Smashing Pumpkins - Mayonaise
  Stone Temple Pilots - Plush
  Pink Floud - Is There Anybody Out There

All "the acoustic versions". Having some pretty good success the past few days, but I know I can do better.

What else do once I've played through these a bajillion times? Finger exercises? Mindless repition of scales? I really need to look into an instructor - a grizzled veteran that can see where I'm struggling and give me a concrete set of goals to accomplish for the next week.

Might be one of the first things I seek in Toronto. AFTER salary.

"There are times, however, and this is one of them, when even being right feels wrong. What do you say, for instance, about a generation that has been taught that rain is poison and sex is death? If making love might be fatal and if a cool spring breeze on any summer afternoon can turn a crystal blue lake into a puddle of black poison right in front of your eyes, there is not much left except TV and relentless masturbation. It's a strange world. Some people get rich and others eat shit and die."

— Hunter S Thompson - Gonzo Papers, Vol. 2: Generation of Swine: Tales of Shame and Degradation in the '80s, 1988

Words twenty years old somehow ring even more true today.

I've spent most of the few months in a fairly constant torpor; usually it's all my effort and energy to leave my apartment once a week to have some semblance of a social life. However, I am not hibernating. Every day, for a good bit of the day, I troll the Internet (I recommend Reddit) devouring news from around the world, watching discussions between people that think a lot more about the problems we face as Americans and citizens of the world - members of the human race - and every now and then dipping my toe to test the waters. So, suffice to say, whilst my body has been fairly exanimate my mind has been racing... a lot of thinking.

I find it increasingly more difficult to remain passive and uncaring in today's world. The more I think of what my nebulous future holds, the more I want to shape into a positive force; too long have I been sitting idle, waiting quietly to die. You cannot even call that living - I might as already have been dead. I can't take it anymore. There is too much pain in this world - there has to be something I can do to assuage it. Maybe.

I am restless. And it feels good.

Alas, I don't even know where to begin focusing this restlesness. I have struggled with this before; I get fed up with my apathy and lethargy and go out into the world to commit acts of change. But somewhere along the way, I lose focus. I try to do too much and end up failing at everything. I get overwhelmed by my seeming insignificance in the world - what can one man do? My actions feel like a raindrop in an ocean. There are SO MANY people in this world. So many smarter, more hard working, more moral people.. my friends are geniuses, finishing up at CMU or leaving and starting careers while I can't even finish more than a semester at CCAC.

I get fed up and whine and bitch and I post about on LiveJournal in a masturbatory orgy of self-pity. I can't do that anymore. It's time to shut up and do something. Stop making excuses.

Yes, my friends are amazing. They are successful academically and in life. I can also be successful. Maybe not in the way they are... I'm a smart guy, but I know I could never cut in CMU. I simply don't care enough about "that sort of thing", though everything I've been brought up with has told me that I should. Even if I did, I have my problems... I can barely focus enough to write this (going with the fly and letting my fingers do the talking) and mostly all of the information I take in I forget soon after. Or if I don't forget, once I process this information and actually absorb it, I can't get it out again. I just don't know how to express the ideas I have. I understand them as pictures and emotions and strange concepts in my mind, but when I go to put them into words... I am left speechless or stumbling over myself like a fool. I want help - I don't know how to ask for it. I don't know where to begin on my own, either. I feel so far behind and I don't know what to do.

And then one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun

That, my friends, is what I believe to be the heart of my frustration. Why I get so fed up with everything and close myself off from my friends, trying to burn every bridge behind me as I tumble into a self-imposed exile. I have things to say to you. And I can't. I go to parties and I look at you and I smile. There are things on the tip of my tongue but they refuse to become cohesive, so I just smile and wave and wander on.. listening, listening, listening. I try to write a paper for class. I know exactly how to answer this essay. I set my pencil to the paper and just stare at it. Why can I not write a single word? I know what words are.

So, I must learn to express myself. To eloquate my ideas and feelings in a reasonable manner. There has to be a way. Ah yes... music. My most favorite thing in the world (next to Thai curry). Now that is something I can believe in. That is a medium that can change.. maybe not the world, but someone. I can attest to this - no force has been stronger in my life; I had an epiphanic experience while listening to Pink Floyd's Time. It changed me in a very profound and distburbing way (and no, drugs were not involved). The first time I really LISTENED to the song - sat back, closed my eyes and absorbed every tick of the clock, every tap of the drums.. and my god, that solo.. it's like hearing someone's soul cry - I suddenly understood that I was, indeed, going to die someday. I could die tomorrow. Or the next few minutes. It terrified me. I had quite an anxiety attack and nearly a nervous breakdown. A year later I was brought to my highschool's councilor as a suicide risk and they hooked me up with therapy and medication. My attitude from that point on was "Why bother, I'll probably be dead."



Not a good philosophy. Decided to change it. Found out that some thing are worth living for, even with the fragility of life.

Starting to wind down... don't even know what my point was. Something like, "World sucks. I've been a depressed bum and I need to get off my ass and try to do something aobut it." That about sums it up.

Something I really wanted to say is this. If you are reading this, most likely you are someone important to me. You may not even know that. As I said before, I'm not very good at eloquating (this isn't really a word?) my feelings. Most likely I haven't been that impactful in your life. Maybe I have. At any rate, I apologize a lot - too much - but I feel this one is justified. Sorry that I run out. That I withdraw and hide all the time. That I'm a bad friend. That you (probably) haven't seen me in months (only applicable if you care). That I'm moving to Toronto (running away again).


Oh yeah, btw, I'm moving to Toronto. Sometime early January. Starting a music project with one of my long-time friends who lives there (time to stop being a terrible musician). Going back to what I said before about learning how to speak my mind and how music is the most important thing in my life - I know what I want to do with myself. Someway, somehow I'm going to focus and create something. Even if it's just one song, it doesn't matter. I have to do this, and with Brandon's help I know I can. Very excited about this - you have no idea. That and my girlfriend. Oh yeah, I have one of those now too. Her name is Amy. She lives in Georgia. We walked through the streets of Atlanta singing 'Don't Stop Believing' at the top of our lungs. She is amazing.

Holy shit, I typed way too much. I guess I had a lot to say. I'll leave you with that for now.

Thanks for reading.

-- Aaron